When I think of relationship anarchy one part that appeals to me, at least as a person who has mainly come from hetero intimacy as a woman, is that there is no ranking. (Of course I also really struggle with not being ranked in love because that is the language of love I have been taught for so long by so many, so it’s complicated.) The idea that there is no love that exists more strongly in one space, so that less is left for others in our communities.
I have been both single and traditionally partnered (and also existed in spaces in between) and I know how annoying relationships can sometimes appear to the rest of the un-partnered world. It’s not an annoying feeling that comes from nowhere. It is the kind of annoyance that perhaps is rooted in a truth about what we have for so long used traditional hetero arrangements for in a colonial capitalist society. As a tool for a weird kind of advancement in society. As a way to separate us from them, you from me. A way to walk hand in hand feeling lucky1 that we traversed all the shitty everything to find each other. A way to avoid loneliness and ultimately knowing ourselves? A way to extract from each other’s minds and hearts without consent along patriarchal and racial hierarchies that these systems created. We try not to but we do this to each other on the way to our own personal liberation. But are relationships really an effective tool for our collective liberation?
That’s all one way I think.
The other thing I know is that loving you makes it so much easier to love on all of us. That finding my own self-love reflected back in your words and actions is healing. It’s validating. That there is a life force to practicing love, as you have said so often. But the ache of struggling in the practice of love, the ache of missing you, thinking about you, I’m working out what that ache is for. Is the ache a kind of knowledge of the ultimate separation that always exists between us. Of the fact that you are not me, I am not you, and there is only so far we can traverse? Only so far our work aligns? I don’t know. (Should our work align all the time anyway? Is mostly complimentary enough?)
I don’t deny the ache can be useful though. Can feel exploratory. So I look at it when I can. I am better at sitting with it now. Asking it questions. Seeking out community to ask them questions about their aches. It informs me.
It all reminds me of grieving. A kind of grieving that saves me. I didn’t used to know that. Perhaps to love is to grieve. To love me is to know my grief. To love you is … well maybe that’s for you to answer. Not unlike loving our children. A constant sweet grieving.
Notes:
We waited for the beat to drop on this song in the car today but instead reveled in the long slow buildup.
But then also appreciate a song that gives it to you upfront.
Good night my loves
And also maybe we are lucky?